Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
11 entries this month
Friends List
05:27 Feb 29 2008
Times Read: 942
Am I just lucky or do I have no VR life? I have had at least one significant conversation with 133 members out of the 187 members who have me on their friends lists.
That's a little bit over 71%!
I find it kind of amusing considering everyone complains about not knowing people who add them. I can usually go through and point out who is new.
I actually message most people who add me because I want to know who they are. I mean something made them add me in the first place, right? So if they want to get to know me, fine... let's talk! LOL!
Meet Up
05:27 Feb 29 2008
Times Read: 943
Later on today is the first Ohio meet up I get to go to. I'm excited about it. I guess I am what can be considered a hyperactive Tiffy!
I need to find my nail polish but it doesn't look like that's happening.
We're making a day out of going to Columbus. We're heading over to Aunt Gina's about noon. Then going to Columbus from there. We are hoping to visit one of the malls either close to the club or close to Osman's. He will be the next stop. He's a family friend that I miss hanging out with and seeing all the time. He's helped me a lot. But yay, I get to have some hugs from him... and he gets to meet Brett! LOL! That's going to be interesting. But anywho, from Osman's we're probably going to the club. That gives us time to redo makeup, if necessary and to fix anything else.
This is such a tease to me! Six days until my fuckin' 21st birthday! Ahh! I can't drink!
I'm hoping to get a few more hours of sleep after I get Aurora back to bed. Gram's watching her tomorrow from noon until the next day. Uncle Bill is here if she needs something for the baby. I have to make her bottles yet.
Shit! I was supposed to message Aunt Gina about what's going on today! Damn it!
Oh and I got a letter from my Uncle Tommy! Yay!
Rant
12:12 Feb 24 2008
Times Read: 965
I need to escape! That's all there is to it! I want away from everything...
I feel trapped...
Confined...
Cornered...
Hopeless...
Worthless...
Confused...
Scared...
Emotional...
Hurt...
Depressed...
Condemned...
Useless...
Nervous, for no reason...
I need to see someone but no medical right now. I think, I need to get back on my medicines again. I have been breaking down for no reason. I'm having endless nightmares of past situations. I have been jerking myself awake and hyperventilating with no control over my thoughts. I need to deal, but can't. Not up here, not right now. I need some sleep to deal with anything. My sleep isn't restful. I go to bed, get a few hours, wake up from nightmares, crying, wanting images to go away, memories to go away, and then have to deal with a screaming baby that doesn't even know what she wants. My nerves are shot.
Tonight, she woke up and cried for 2 1/2 hours straight.
It sounded like I was killing her.
I was rocking her in my arms and singing to her. Maybe she just wanted me to shut the hell up. Lord knows I got tired of singing. Especially since I am still sick and losing my voice.
No naps for her later today. She can get in her morning nap and two ten minute ones in the evening. But I'm not doing this every night. She needs to be able to sleep through the night and not the day. Of course, daddy's at work and I'm the mean evil mommy making her go to bed.
I can't wait until Brett is off on Monday and Tuesday, just so I can get a break from Aurora. I just need an escape.
I want to get a part-time job in the mornings. But that would mean as soon as Brett got home about 9 a.m., he would have to deal with Aurora. I don't know when he would get sleep if I did. Am I selfish for just wanting out for a little? I really need it. I know I do. He knows I do.
He feels like he's been ignoring me. I feel like he's been avoiding me.
I feel like there's something on his mind that he's not telling me but getting it out of him is a whole other story and battle.
I feel like sex isn't even worth it anymore. I have only been getting a couple hours with him a day. I don't want to spend it having sex with him. But I want to have sex. I feel like I need it. I have felt that way for a while now, needing it that is.
I don't think I have ever liked being choked as much as I have the past few days. I want more. I want less control. I want to freak out again, but I'm scared to. I want to be tied up with another extension cord with no control. I want to be taken back, yet I want to forget.
It helps with the nightmares though. But fear gets in the way. Confusion has set in.
I want restrained. I want pain. I kind of want to try blood play one day. I am curious about how far I can push limits with myself. I trust Brett enough to do it with him.
I want to push his limits but I don't have the confidence to.
I don't know what's on his mind so I refuse to push them without knowing something to go on.
I want to lose control during sex. I want to be able to scream in ecstasy and not hold back.
I don't want to fear it. Or feel filthy after having any foreplay or intercourse. I don't want to scrub myself in the shower until my skin is red and cracked open at times.
Very simple, I want memories to go away. I want to forget. I want to be normal and not be scared to sleep or to shut my eyes.
Courtney thinks I need to talk to someone professional about it all. I think Courtney doesn't understand. It's not that easy. I have talked to select people about it. It didn't help much. I won't ever really talk to her about it. It would probably make her look at me differently. She did when I told her the basics of it. I won't do that again.
Jared has helped me more then any friend. The only person to help me more then him is Brett. I used to have a huge crush on Jared. I still kind of do. I think it's because he's always been there for me. I love him for it. I miss talking to him like we used to.
I've been avoiding him.
I want to be able to look at myself and approve. I want to be able to think as myself as pretty, even beautiful. I want to have some self-esteem, not the bare minimum require to live a little bit of a life.
My mom and a family friend have been dating for over a year now. I was alright with it. They're getting married sometime in April. Now it bothers me. I don't know why. I don't know if it has to do with living here and seeing them together everyday. Or because of my dad. Or something a lot deeper.
I'm scared to talk to my mom about it.
I miss my daddy. Yet, I have been putting off going to the graveyard. I want to and I know I need to. But I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to have to ask Brett to go with me. I feel terrible for it.
Guilty, in so many ways.
My mom is taking my Grandma there sometime this week because of her and my Grandpap's anniversary this weekend. I kind of wish my mom would have asked me to go. But I'm kind of happy she didn't.
I need to stop putting off going.
I still need to talk to Brett about everything, as in actually talk to him about it all.
I miss Nashville in November '06. I miss how breathtaking it all was.
I hope things between Brett and me never change. I still get butterflies in my stomach when we touch. I feel weak when we kiss. I feel extraordinary when he is inside me. I feel safe when I cuddle with him. He comforts me without knowing it. I love how we pick on the other just to hear their laughter. I love the morning kisses, the showers together we sneak in, the little personal jokes we make between the two of us, and how we can't get enough touches from the other. I love him. I trust him. He has hurt my heart, nursed it, and hasn't hurt it sense.
I still believe in the 'Enter Rule.' I wonder if Tommy still does. I wonder if I will ever be real friends with him again. I miss his friendship. I just want him to keep up with his end of the promise. He likes breaking promises instead.
I talked to his sister yesterday. He hasn't been talking to her. Candi hasn't been talking to her either. I don't care to know why. It just is.
I don't know why I talk to these people anymore. Every time I do, they ask me if I have talked to him. It makes me feel awkward. Yet, I still talk to them and care about them.
I believe that if you ever cared for or loved someone, you just can't quit. Emotions last whether you want them to or not. It's rare for me to hate someone. I think I only really hate about three people. Yet, I love each of them in their own ways.
I want to lose weight. I want to be 160 pounds. I was ten pounds away from my goal and then *BOOM* I was pregnant. Now I am about 40 away from it again. It's disappointed.
I am listening to Britney Spears "Get Naked" and "Freakshow." I want to get up and dance but I haven't slept so yeah.
I want a strippers pole. Tommy was supposed to get me one. What ever happened to it? LOL! I might just have to get one after a while. I bet Brett would like that. But then again so would some other members on here. A Tiffy on a stripper pole. Haha!
Now I just have to figure out a tasteful way to do it. Is there such a thing as being on a stripper pole, tastefully? I don't think so. Hmm?
I think this is all one 'Enter Rule' thing, the whole damn entry. I don't care what anyone else thinks about it. It's for myself.
This was longer. I accidentally hit the backspace key while typing. It erased everything. I had to try to remember it all. I think I might want to get off of here. I was typing this for 2 1/2 hours before my little incident. Aurora is starting to wake up and I haven't had sleep. Yay for me, huh?
I know I forgot some things I did have typed up. If I remember them, I guess I will type them up again.
Friends and Family
10:44 Feb 22 2008
Times Read: 983
Wow, I had forgotten how easily I can start ranting to a few of my VR friends late at night.
I just sent a longer message then I originally wanted to him. I know that he won't care though.
I used to talk to him all the time and then for some reason our conversations stopped.
We still would message back and forth once and a while to see how the other was/is doing.
I think that's what I kind of intended to do tonight. But instead when he messaged me back, I sent him a rant.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I also got to talk to Courtney tonight from 10:30 p.m. to 3:40 a.m.
That felt good to do. I haven't gotten to talk to her that long or like that for a while now. I missed it but sometimes try to avoid it.
I need to go and see her but I don't when I can or what's going on in the near future. I miss her.
Anyone who knows me, knows I avoid friends a lot when I am depressed and down.
But I can't do that with her. She needs me more then ever and I know that for a fact.
The good news is her eyes are doing a little better. She got a spinal tap earlier this week to get some of the fluid off of her brain. Her head feels better now. But she was disappointed because she couldn't see any better.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I didn't really get to talk to Brett yesterday like I really needed to. I still need to talk to him, badly about things going on.
I did get a treat after I had gotten offline for a little bit yesterday.
*smiles*
I like being choked, that's all I'm going to reveal about that one. My throats hurts from it though.
We're doing better on managing time frames with Aurora. That's been a sleep depriving treat as any parent probably knows.
He's been seeming distance with me the last day or two and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me. I think it might just be the lack of sleep we have both been getting. If it is, then nothing to really worry about, huh? If not, then I need to figure out what is going on.
We have been doing okay. Better then when we first came here to the Ohio Valley.
We both want to go back to Nashville, TN though.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Aurora is a whole other story on things right now. Tonight is the first night I have gotten her to sleep almost all night long!
I don't think Brett is going to believe it when he gets home.
She has two teeth that broke the surface in the last week and a half.
She's currently sick and on a diet of Pedialyte and a little bit of formula. She's getting better though.
(I'm still sick though!)
I'm getting her used to sleeping in her pack and play, then it's going to be her crib.
Trying to get her out of the habit of crying every time she is left in a room by herself at night.
Hell, trying to get her to calm down at night, which tonight is the first real night of success.
I swear if Brett allows her to sleep all day tomorrow, then I will withhold cuddles, kisses, touches, and hugs for two weeks.
I want to get her days and nights switched to where they should be and keep her in the routine of it all! Is that too much to want?
~*~*~*~*~*~
On me:
I am already doing a little better with my depression. I was doing pretty bad the past week.
But since I have found time and the words to write some, I feel somewhat better. Let's hope it continues!
I might be going to a VR meet up in Columbus next week! I'm really excited about that and can't wait!
The only thing that is making it a might is we don't know if my Brett Brett works or not. My aunt would be going with us, if we can.
My mom is going to watch Aurora for me so I can go. I asked for it for my birthday so yeah! Yay!
Brett's determined to do something or get me something for my birthday and he knows I will become upset with him if he does get me something right now.
I don't want him to. I just want a peaceful day with cuddles and alone time with him. So I might ask my Gram to watch Aurora for a little bit during the day.
But come to think of it, Brett's probably going to be working for my birthday anyway. So it's better to not expect my cuddles or alone time with him. *sighs*
Oh well. I can still probably get a movie or two in with him while Aurora's asleep sometime around my birthday.
Any movie suggestions are welcomed. I know Atonement was really good. I cried at the end of it.
I was overly clingy there for a little bit. Now I don't really know what I am. But I know, and more importantly he knows, that I will probably be even more clingy this upcoming weekend and weeks if what might happen, happens.
If it does, I'm going to cry. A lot.
God, that sounds pretty bad.
~*~*~*~*~*~
And I still want a moogle, badly!
A Final Fantasy XII moogle, none of the ones from earlier ones. I don't like them.
Moogle, moogle!
Music05:37 Feb 22 2008
Times Read: 990
I never really realized how much I connect certain songs to people, places, emotions, and/or situations.
I am listening to "Lonely" by Akon on theoutcast's profile.
This song reminds me of right before I graduated from high school. This song was everywhere and I was hanging out with Jennifer, Jessica, and Kristina, plus other friends from high school and Courtney and Amanda from time to time. I was also hanging out with a guy I met at a Chinese restaurant. That whole thing ended badly. I knew it would and put myself in that situation. I wanted the whole thing to happen.
Aurora's First Valentine's Day!16:37 Feb 21 2008
Times Read: 1,003
Here are a couple of pictures from Valentine's day of an Aurora-brat!
15:08 Feb 21 2008
Times Read: 1,006
I need to talk to someone. But all of the anyones I want to talk to are wrapped up with their own lives to be bothered with mine.
Brett and I are probably not going to be able to really talk about what is possibly going to happen. Yet, he's the one I really need to talk to.
True, the last time I actually truly talked to him about something on my mind he said something that hurt me really badly.
But he knows I have more will power then he does. He also knows that if someone tells me I will do something a certain way, I will probably do it another.
I am hoping that what I was told might be happening this weekend, won't.
I am hoping that I won't have to deal with my thoughts. I am starting to cry as I type and I guess it's because of fear of dealing. I can't deal. I have locked so many things up inside that I can't take them on anymore.
When I am confronted by them, my solution has almost always been to self-harm. It makes me feel like I have control, some grasp on the insane situations.
Yet, I can't mess up. I can't relapse anymore. I can't fuck up.
I have Aurora in my life now and I can't lose her because I couldn't deal. I love her even though she deprives me of sleep.
The last time I had a relapse was right before I started talking to Brett on the phone, before I went to Nashville.
I didn't know what was happening with my own body, found out and couldn't deal. I never did write about that in this journal. I have avoided that topic for the most part. The one person I should talk to about that situation, I can't. He's not allowed by his 'mother.' That's all I can really think to call her anymore.
I have talked to Brett some about it. And it was confirmed that it happened by the doctors at the beginning of my pregnancy with Aurora by the questions they asked. Brett even saw how they asked the set of questions over and over again, and questioned my answers. But I didn't admit it to them, I won't. He wants to forget it, so why shouldn't I try. Brett on the other hand wants me to deal with it as much as possible. He doesn't want me to have it locked inside but left open and no regrets. But I can't. I would be able to if I could talk but can't. I've tried and failed. I don't even know how to start anymore. So why not try to forget?
I don't even know why I came back here. Why didn't we just try to make it in Nashville?
I have no medical right now but I am willing to go and see someone. I am getting better little by little. But this morning, it just was overwhelming. I won't self-harm. To put it bluntly, I can't. I don't think I have the nerve to anymore. As long as the past doesn't repeat itself, I can deal.
I am thinking about making a request of my Brett Brett. I have only asked for it once before and I freaked out on him. I almost since him through our living room window. But maybe it's what I need.
It helped me a lot before. I know it's just temporary, and lasts for about six months. But it would let me deal with other things and also get away from my nightmares.
Now that sounds good, no nightmares. Possibly some restful sleep when I can get in an hour or two in sometime.
But this whole situation with this weekend really makes me wonder why I came back here. Almost everyone I know around here feel trapped, including me now.
I wanted to be around my family, my two best friends (Jared and Courtney) and be in my comfort zone again.
Plus it really got to me not being able to go to my daddy's grave when I wanted to. It still gets to me because the weather hasn't been good enough for me to go and visit.
I'm hoping to write more later. But I am probably going to make that one private since I don't care for some people to read it.
13:42 Feb 21 2008
Times Read: 1,010
I am going to have an interesting time the next few weeks, at least. I am going to be an emotional wreck beyond belief. I'm already depressed as hell and yet more is being added to my plate.
I really want some sleep right now. And cuddles. And touches. And kisses. And a Brett Brett.
Too bad he won't be home for a while and will be heading back out at midnight.
Too bad I'm sick so I can't have the kisses.
Too bad everything keeps on happening to make life seem worse.
Looks like I'm going to be depending on Brett more then ever.
Looks like I'm also going to be striving to spend more time at Courtney's or just away from here.
A whole bunch of looks likes and too bads make Tiffy go insane within her mind.
Moogle Moogle
07:23 Feb 20 2008
Times Read: 1,014
Get me a moogle and I'll love you forever!
Moogle, moogle
Moogle, moogle, moogle
Moogle, moogle
Tiffany loves moogle moogles!
My Pregnancy and Aurora01:04 Feb 13 2008
Times Read: 1,053
Pictures of the last days of my pregnancy in November of '07 and the birth of my daughter, Aurora Bliss.
The last three days of my pregnancy, I had high blood pressure and was swollen insanely. I joked with Brett in the emergency room that I was waiting for my nose to swell so I could truly be a pink elephant! He was making faces in the tops of my feet by making impressions where they were swollen so badly. Sad thing is the faces stayed for hours. LOL!
I went into the emergency room the day before I was do be induced. I stayed the night and early morning, about 6 a.m. they gave the medicines to induce my labor.
The night before...
You can really tell how big I got within the two pictures above this comment. I was miserable in the hospital and couldn't sleep. They gave me something that didn't help me to get any rest. Plus they kept on waking me up over and over again because Aurora kept on moving to where the sensors were not picking up her vitals.
Trying to sleep with my mom, Uncle Bill, and Brett all in the room, along with nurses coming in and out. *sighs* This was right before I got the medicine to start contractions, although I was already having faint ones for a while.
This above picture was when the contractions really started and right before my panic attack. They had to give me something to calm me down because I basically lost it. It was storming outside and we lost power soon after this was taken. I am scared of storms, the dark, and was terrified of giving birth. Try dealing with all three without knowing what the hell is going on.
The very, very first baby picture of Aurora before they handed her to me!
Bonding with mommy in the above three.
Attempting to breastfeed for the first time. Oh god, what fun trying to get a stubborn Aurora to latch on!
My stomach after having her. I lost 29 pounds in one day! LOL!
Brett holding his daughter during the first night.
My mom, her Grand-ma or Ma-ma, holding her.
Ma-ma dressing her for the first time to get her pictures taken... her hospital picture which will be uploaded in the next couple of days.
Getting ready to go home with mommy and daddy. A true bundle of joy!!
Her first Vampire Rave image done by LadyKrystalynDarkstar.
Yayness!
22:45 Feb 11 2008
Times Read: 1,058
Brett just got the news today that he now has a full-time job.
Yay! It has benefits so Aurora and I will both be covered.
Anotherwards, him and I will probably getting married soon!
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